---
aliases: ["The Courage to Be Disliked"]
Is A: Note
Author: "Kishimi & Koga"
Topics: ["[[topic-mental-health]]"]
URL: "https://example.com/courage"
---
# The Courage to Be Disliked
*Kishimi & Koga*

This book presents Adlerian psychology through a Socratic dialogue between a philosopher and a young person. The core framework is built around three ideas: task separation (distinguishing between what is your task and what is someone else's task), the rejection of the need for recognition (the desire for approval is the root of much unhappiness), and the concept that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Adler's position is that we choose our responses to our circumstances, and that freedom comes from accepting responsibility for those choices rather than blaming our past, our genes, or our environment.

The concept of task separation has been the most practically transformative idea from this book. In Adler's framework, you are responsible for your own tasks (your effort, your behavior, your choices) and not responsible for other people's tasks (their reactions, their opinions, their feelings). When you publish a newsletter, your task is to write something honest and valuable. Whether a reader likes it, shares it, or cancels their subscription is their task, not yours. This separation is not about callousness -- it is about focusing your energy where you actually have control and letting go of the rest. For anyone who creates things publicly, this is an essential survival skill.

The dialogue format makes the ideas accessible, but also reveals their radical nature. Adler's position is that even trauma does not determine your behavior -- you always have a choice in how you respond to your past. This is controversial (and the book acknowledges this through the young person's objections), but the practical application is powerful: if you accept that your current behavior is a choice, you can change it. You are not stuck with your habits, your fears, or your patterns. This is both liberating and uncomfortable, because it removes the excuses we use to avoid difficult changes.

## Key takeaways

- Task separation: focus only on what is your task and release what is someone else's task -- this is the foundation of inner peace
- The desire for recognition and approval is a major source of unhappiness; freedom comes from accepting that not everyone will like you
- All problems are ultimately interpersonal relationship problems -- even the ones that seem purely internal
- You are not determined by your past; you choose how to interpret and respond to your experiences in the present
- Courage means being willing to be disliked in pursuit of what you believe is right
- Contribution to the community (feeling useful to others) is the deepest source of happiness, deeper than achievement or recognition
- Horizontal relationships (treating others as equals) are healthier than vertical relationships (ranking people as superior/inferior)

## How I apply this

- Task separation has transformed how I handle negative feedback on my newsletter. When a reader sends a harsh critique, I evaluate whether it contains useful information (my task: improve), and then release any emotional reaction to their tone or judgment (their task: how they express themselves). This has made me far more receptive to criticism because I no longer experience it as a personal attack.
- I apply the recognition rejection principle to social media. I stopped tracking follower counts and engagement metrics as measures of self-worth. The numbers inform my strategy, but they do not determine my mood or my sense of whether I am doing good work.
- The "courage to be disliked" mantra has given me permission to take stronger editorial positions in my writing. Some readers will disagree, unsubscribe, or complain. That is their task. My task is to write what I genuinely believe, with honesty and care.

## Related

- [[on-founder-energy-management]]
- [[the-two-types-of-hard]]
- [[writing-for-clarity-vs-writing-for-credit]]
- [[on-consistency-in-creative-work]]
- [[note-man-search-for-meaning]]
- [[note-the-obstacle-is-the-way]]
- [[note-radical-candor]]
- [[note-on-the-shortness-of-life]]
- [[topic-mental-health]]
